Miss her more each day

Today I start another day without you when I used to start it with you. Each day was a phone call to start my day with you. It’s amazing how one call meant so much. Starting my day by hearing your voice set my day off right. Some days it was quick and simple but then some days we would talk about things that had already happened or going on or just what we had watched.

It’s Mother’s Day and Sunday. It’s your CBS Sunday morning show. We would always wait to talk on Sunday until after it was done so that we could talk about the segments we liked or didn’t like or if we liked or didn’t like the show overall. Some Sundays are better than others. It was always fun that even if we weren’t together we knew we were doing the same thing.

We were always watching things together. Even though we didn’t live together anymore because we talked so much we made decisions on shows we watched just so we could talk about them. It was a way that we could still connect. That was important to both of us remaining in each other’s lives even though we weren’t physically there. most people wouldn’t have known it though because we talked so much. She was my best friend and on days like this words can’t describe how much I miss her. I was so lucky for the years I had with her. I just miss her so much.

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is Sunday. This week, I would be making all the preparations to go up to visit my mom this weekend and spend the weekend with her. I would have already got her gift, at least a month or two in advance. I am not sure what I would have done for her this year. She liked the edible arrangement and I did that for her a year or two and I was thinking it was about time to do it again. That might have been something I got again this year, but it just depends on what else I might have found or what else she might have mentioned she wanted. 

Giving gifts, I always joke, is my love language. I am the kind that has Christmas shopping done in August. I had a list for my mom of stuff she used to casually mention when we talked that she wanted so that when it came time for gifts, I would already know what she wanted because of all the things she had mentioned throughout the year or during our talks. I like giving personalized gifts to the person, just something that shows that I know them and their interests. I like knowing that I know them and what I choose made them happy. 

My mom was so much the same way, I know that is who I got it from. She was always the kind that used to give me “side gifts”. I used to do it with her too. We just knew each other so well so we got each other just extra so as not to make anyone else feel bad we would always give each other extra little things on the side so that no one else knew about it. It was our own private little secret that we shared. It was always the best stuff too that was so special, and she always found the neatest things. 

I will still honor and remember my mom on Sunday because she was the best! She was the best mom I could have ever had and could have ever asked for. She loved me unconditionally and made me feel safe. I knew that no matter what I would always have a place to be loved and have someone who would protect and take care of me and that was the greatest gift of all. I was there for her until the end and tried to repay her gift as best I could. I loved her more than words could ever convey. That love is the greatest gift I could have ever gotten.

Missing Her

Words just seem to escape me. The pains just seem to remain. I miss my mom so much lately. People say with time it gets better, but time just seems to make the feelings worse. I feel like the farther I get from the loss, the worse the pain gets. I miss her so much sometimes my heart literally aches.

My mom had this positive, hopeful spirit. I want to continue that, but her not being her makes it so hard. She was the glue that held my small family together. We are all disjointed now. I haven’t even spoken to my sister really since. She is older than me and my mom wanted us to stay close, but she just doesn’t seem interested. You can only do so much.

I hate the feeling that I am already letting my mom down. I feel so sad and alone. I feel like the pain just keeps getting greater. I knew that when my mom was here that someone loved me. I never doubted that, but now I don’t have that feeling. I knew that there was someone would always be there for me and someone who I could laugh, joke and share all of myself with. She was my place of peace and comfort. I just don’t know how to live in a world without having that. I feel so lost without that. I miss her so much!

My last words were I love you

It was four days before Christmas and two days before I was supposed to go visit. I was calling at my normal time when I got off work. My mom did not answer. This also was not unusual. She might get calls or she might be eating and if I called too often she would say, “Can you hold on? I was coming?” So I just waited and tried again. Except this time I got a call saying that I needed to come because she had been found unresponsive and they could not revive her. My heart, my life stopped. My mom was my world.

In 2020, she was diagnosed with cancer. My world slowed then. She faced it with a smile on her face and despite the not so great outlook she never lost hope and always knew she would beat it. I had a moments and I was always scared of losing her. Her belief made you a believer though. I went with her and sat during her chemos when I could especially the long ones, when they were 8 hours long. Even before she was diagnosed we were close, we talked at least four times a day (when I got up, when I went to lunch, when I got off work and before I went to bed) and this was if we did not talk or text between those times. When I say she was my world, she was my world.

I still don’t know how to feel without her. I know that she would not want me to be sad or angry. I am trying so hard not to be angry. The call that went unanswered. The words that were left unsaid. I know that my last words to her were “I love you” because we always ended our calls that way. I am glad she always made sure of that, especially now.

I still miss her. I will always miss her. I wish I had more time with her. I wish I had gotten to speak with her one last time. I wish I had gotten to celebrate one last Christmas with her, sent one last text. I still have not opened or done anything with her gifts, they are just waiting for her still. I don’t want it to be real, even though it is. I know it is real, but it is still hard and I still just don’t want to let her go. I miss her! I am hoping that maybe by writing something will make sense and maybe I can connect with others or maybe find a purpose. I want to help others or those that suffer with cancer. I watched her suffer and those that suffer go through so much and it is heartbreaking! A lot go through it with such little support. It should not be that way. I just want to make sure her legacy lives on because she was such a positive, happy, strong, and loving person. She was the best mom, will always be the best mom!! I will love her now and forever!